New (Free) Published Short: Insurrection (aka Don’t Fuck with the Fat Man)

Insurrection Snowy Mountain Style
(aka don’t fuck with the fat man)


Happy Christmas in July!(Just)

When Santa’s elves revolt, it’s up to one person to stop it – the motherfucking fat man himself! Celebrate Christmas in July in typical LegumeMan fashion – with gratuitous blood!

GNBraun was raised in Melbourne’s gritty Western Suburbs and is a trained nurse currently studying to work in the social services. He writes fiction untied to any genre, and is the author of Boneyard Smack, Bubba wants YOU, Insurrection and Santa Akbar (Tasmaniac Publications Dec. 2010)! Longer works are forthcoming, but he can only write so fast. Visit his blog and homepage at for free fiction and latest updates

Download Insurrection for FREE here. (or click on the cover above)

Feel like writing something? Try here…

These are some examples of the writing available at the facebook page The Art of Words (the first was inspired by a headline posted at the forum, the second inspired by the image of the light globe, also posted at the forum).
This group caters for the writer in all of us, amateurs and professionals alike. Join, read, write, enjoy!
Also, there is a forum independent to Facebook, found HERE, that covers both The Art of Words and it’s sister site, Art to Art, which caters for the visual artist.


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All that remained of the entire shemozzle were a few capuchin monkeys staggering around dressed like bell-hops and two sneaky looking chimps huddled together in a corner and feeling decidedly anarchic.
It was never discovered just which bright spark thought of having two warring clans of organ-grinders appear in the same village on the same day, but it wasn’t one of the best ideas of the decade.
It all began quite grandly, as these things often do, but quickly degenerated into a mass of fisticuffs, bleeding men, flying teeth and squealing monkeys/apes. The chimps rushed to gang up on their smaller cousins, and the humans involved fell before the ferocity of their simian counterparts.
In the end, the only winners were the undertakers, who danced all the way to the bank.


George looked carefully through the microscope, studying the mote-sized organisms.
“Scurry around, my pets. The only meaning you have is my intent and desire.”
Flicking the switch, he reconnected the tiny terrarium to the mains power supply.
Lights flared as current thrummed through the system again.
Life went on inside the terrarium; billions of people, going about their daily lives, unknowing of the fact they were, in the end, only a biological power supply.

Links above for the independent forum.
Search on Facebook for The Art of Words and/or Art to Art.
Great sites, all of them.
Check them out…


Gina Ranalli, author of bizarro classics such as Chemical Gardens, Suicide Girls in the Afterlife, 13 Thorns, Wall of Kiss, Motherpuncher and Sky Tongues, and the horror/bizarro titles House of Fallen Trees and the forthcoming Praise the Dead, has an upcoming live chat at Legumeman Forums (in the chat room), so be sure to join up to join in.


EDT (U.S.A. – New York) Saturday, 31 July 2010 at 9:00PM
Central (U.S.A – Louisiana) Saturday, 31 July 2010 at 8:00PM
EST (Australia – Victoria) Sunday, 1 August 2010 at 11:00AM

Turn on, Join up, Log in…

Ditmar nominations closed…

The nomination period for the Ditmar awards is now closed.
The shortlist should be announced in August sometime.

Good luck to fellow author Shane Jiraiya Cummings and author/illustrator Andrew J. McKiernan, as well as anyone else I know but am unaware of their eligibility.
When the shortlist is unveiled, I encourage all of you who are eligible to vote for your favourites.

In a previous post, I included links to works I thought were worthy of nomination, but as the nomination period has ended those links have now been disabled.

The link to my short story Boneyard Smack is still active.
Click on the image below to download.

‘A great start from this promising author. A gritty tale that will give readers a sample of what Braun is capable of. Keep your eyes peeled, it’s only going to get better.’
4 of 5 stars Scott Tyson
~ Author of Dear Santa (Festive Fear 2)
‘Short, nasty and scarily realistic!’
4 of 5 stars Trost
~ Author of Hoffman’s Creeper and The Legend of Redback Jack

‘Braun gives us 2 minutes trapped in the mind of a junkie trying to get a fix…a short, sharp shock. Nothing scarier than real life.’
4 of 5 stars Daniel I. Russell
~ Author of Samhane, Fluffs and Shutterbug

‘Who is this fuckhead, and what’s this shit he calls writing?’
didn't like itit was okliked itreally liked itit was amazing Colonel Glipshitz
~ Author of We, the Moral Minority and Beatnix Under the Bed

Matthew Revert … “GN Braun: many who like killing themselves like this.”
Matthew Revert’s facebook page status thread

28 minutes ago · LikeUnlike ·

Thanks for looking,

ANNOUNCEMENT: Festive Fear 2 up for pre-order…

is now up for pre-order!

The fear returns and this time its worldwide!

Original stories from:

Christopher Conlon
Paul Kane
B. Michael Radburn
Scott Tyson
Matthew R Davis
Daniel I Russell
Lee Thompson
Steve Cameron
Tim Curran
Ellen Shaw & Wayne C Rogers
Adrian Chamberlin
Alison J Littlewood
Tom Piccirilli

Cover art by Daniele Serra
Internal illustrations by Andrew J. McKiernan

Limited to only 200 copies.

Released this December. Pre-order from Tasmaniac NOW.

Order from Tasmaniac, Horror Mall & Jeff ‘n’ Joys.

Don’t be a idiot – get it!

The Nightmare Ball…let your darkest visions free…

AHWA's  Nightmare Ball



The Australian Horror Writers Association invites you to pursue your wildest dreams and face your deepest fears in the best possible way: behind a mask!

Come as your favourite horror/SpecFic themed character.

Dress is formal / nightmare. Prizes will be awarded for Best Mask and Best Ball Ensemble.

Join us for a night of elegant diversion, misdirected passion and perhaps a little conspiracy.


Confirmed guests include: Ellen Datlow, multiple award-winning editor of the Year’s Best Fantasy & Horror series; Rocky Wood, Chairman of the international Horror Writers Association Board; and Richard Harland, author of the best-selling Worldshaker.

Award-winning Australian artist Shane Ryan will contribute his dark art to the Ball’s ambiance.


-Diverse refreshments (yes, this means alcohol)

-Door prize + prizes for the Best Mask and Best Ball Ensemble

-Dance Floor and & DJ, spinning the darkest hits of the 80’s and 90’s

-A nightmare-themed ballroom

Authors, editors, agents, publishers, reviewers & international guests!

Date: Friday, 3rd September 2010

Time: 9 pm to 12 Midnight

Place: The Banquet Hall (Room 201) at the Melbourne Convention Centre in conjunction with Aussiecon 4, the 68th World Science Fiction Convention.

This event is open to all. You do not have to be a member of the AHWA or Aussiecon 4 to attend.


AU$30.00 for Members of the AHWA and their spouses.

AU$30.00 for members of Aussiecon 4

AU$40.00 for non-members AND AT THE DOOR


Please note: prices in the shop are in US dollars.

Again, dress is formal/nightmare.
Prizes will be awarded for Best Mask and Best Ball Ensemble.
There is also a door prize. Our generous donors include Stone, Fire and Water (the gargoyle specialists), Tasmaniac Publications, The Theatre of Blood and Brimstone Press.

Come along, join us.
Let it all hang out; scars, humps and everything else you’re ashamed to be proud of…

*BONUS: Also held during the same period :
The Melbourne Writers Festival

Melbourne Writers Festival is the city’s premier literary festival featuring over 300 writers from around the world. Literary banquets, debates, readings, performances, film screenings and workshops are just some of the events you’ll enjoy at this year’s festival. In Melbourne from 27 August to 5 September 2010.

Combine your literary orgasms for double the pleasure*…
*Use protection at all times (aka if its not on, its not on!)

If it can’t be tamed,

The Ditmar Awards 2010 & Free Fiction…

2010 Ditmar Awards
(Fan Nominated)

The Ditmar Award (formerly the “Australian Science Fiction Achievement Award”) has been awarded annually since 1969 at the Australian National Science Fiction Convention (the “Natcon”) to recognise achievement in Australian science fiction/speculative fiction (including fantasy and horror) and science fiction fandom. The award is similar to the Hugo Award but on a national rather than international scale.
Nominations close on the 23rd of July, so there’s very little time left.

These eligible works by author Shane Jiraiya Cummings and author/artist Andrew J. McKiernan are available for FREE DOWNLOAD courtesy of the authors until nominations close…
(Links to works (except my own) NOW DISABLED)

The nomination form can be found HERE, just fill it out and click.

Eligible works by Andrew J. McKiernan (links now disabled) are:

Best Novella/Novelette

  • “The Message” by Andrew J McKiernan – originally appeared in Midnight Echo #2 from AHWA. Short listed for both Aurealis and Australian Shadows Awards: “The Message by Andrew J. McKiernan is the absolute standout in this issue. Again, a grounding in real life events gives this story real impact. There’s a real emotional hit to this one that will linger long after you’ve closed the magazine.OzHorrorScope
  • “Daivadana” by Andrew J McKiernan – originally appeared in In Bad Dreams 2: Where Death Stalks from Eneit Press: “‘Daivadana’ by Andrew McKiernan, [is] my favourite kind of story, epic and action packed and filled with ancient and nasty magicks. He writes stories that I wish I’d written. Damn his eyes.Martin Livings.

Best Short Story

  • “The Dumbshow” by Andrew J McKiernan – originally appeared in Masques from CSFG: “The Dumbshow is a noir carnival that shows off Andrew McKiernan’s considerable prowess, effectively conveying the mute character’s emotions and dialogue through the unlikely medium of written mime…his characters are crystal clear and throbbing with life.Specusphere

Best Artwork

  • “Shards: Short, Sharp Tales” by Shane Jiraiya Cummings, illustrated by Andrew J McKiernan from Brimstone Press: “McKiernan shows a brilliant sense of what stands out in the mind of a reader and then brings those images to life with a frightening style and ability beyond most artists working today in the smaller
The nomination form can be found HERE, just fill it out and click.

Eligible works by Shane Jiraiya Cummings (links now disabled) are:

Collected Work

SHARDS (Brimstone Press)

Almost forty short, sharp tales – all illustrated by Andrew J. McKiernan

Described by bestselling author Jonathan Maberry as “a guided tour of the darkest backroads of the imagination … wonderfully moody and creepy” and ScaryMinds’ Jeff Ritchie thusly: “Shane Jiraiya Cummings with Shards shows he is not only a master of the flash fiction style of writing but has pretty much written the definitive statement on how it should work.”

Shards is Shane’s debut collection and represents the best of his flash fiction drawn from pro and semi-pro markets such as Shadowed Realms, Dark Wisdom, Horror Literature Quarterly, ASIM, Borderlands, and Shadow Box. Several of the stories therein are award nominees or honourable mentions in Year’s Best anthologies. This collection is the real deal and well worth your attention!

Best Novella

Phoenix and the Darkness of Wolves (Damnation Books)

Shane’s best work of fiction published to date, Phoenix is the quintessential Australian post-apocalyptic dark fantasy story.

Stephen M. Irwin said of Phoenix: “Robert E. Howard meets Cormac McCarthy? Lovecraft meets London? Imagine no longer; Phoenix and the Darkness of Wolves weaves its own unique magic, binding ancient sorcery and modern apocalypse together on the plains of Western Australia.”

Want to read a story that’s crosses the mythology around bushfires with Stephen King’s The Gunslinger. This is it. Enjoy!

Best Short Story

Chasing Jormungand (Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #38)

What can I say about this story? It’s Shane’s first published humorous SF story. It was written at Clarion South. It’s written in second person perspective. Best of all, it’s about rival groups of scientist chasing yawns through Sydney’s subways. Yes, scientists chasing yawns.

You’ll never guess how the protagonist defuses the situation when it turns life threatening. For all its perceived silliness, this is, in fact, a finely crafted story.

Read it and I bet you won’t be able to resist yawning!

At the very least, check out Shards…it’s brilliant and you can purchase the book from Brimstone Press (See my full review HERE).

Also, if you are interested in reading my own Boneyard Smack, it’s available for free download from Legumeman Books HERE –> (pdf file)

‘A great start from this promising author. A gritty tale that will give readers a sample of what Braun is capable of. Keep your eyes peeled, it’s only going to get better.’
4 of 5 stars Scott Tyson
~ Author of Dear Santa (Festive Fear 2)
‘Short, nasty and scarily realistic!’
4 of 5 stars Trost
~ Author of Hoffman’s Creeper and The Legend of Redback Jack

‘Braun gives us 2 minutes trapped in the mind of a junkie trying to get a fix…a short, sharp shock. Nothing scarier than real life.’
4 of 5 stars Daniel I. Russell
~ Author of Samhane, Fluffs and Shutterbug

‘Who is this fuckhead, and what’s this shit he calls writing?’
didn't like itit was okliked itreally liked itit was amazing Colonel Glipshit
~ Author of We, the Moral Minority and Beatnix Under the Bed

The nomination form can be found HERE, just fill it out and click.

Read, enjoy, nominate if you feel they are worthy.

Make your vote count, it comes but once a year!


How To Write Books for Boys and Girls…

A link on Facebook took me to a blog where this was featured for a laugh…

I liked it so much I stole it for my own nefarious purposes…

How To Write Books for Boys and Girls

By Lupe Fernandez

I found this 1954 article about Children’s Literature on a defunct website. Submitted for your edification and amusement.

“How To Write Books for Boys and Girls”
“Always portray the military, politicians and religious figures in a positive way. Remember, these responsible authority figures keep Americans safe against atheists, beatniks and Communists.

“The family in your story should consist of married parents. Divorce has no place in reading material of teens. Broken homes make them nervous and might put unnecessary worries in their heads about whether Mom and Dad are getting along. While many classic stories feature orphans, today’s modern family is more educated and healthy, and orphans are old fashioned characters.

“Dad should always work in an office or to a responsible job like a fireman or a policeman. Fathers should never be an unemployed loafer or a union organizer. Mothers should always be homemakers. Mother’s who work in offices set a bad example for impressionable girls.

“Boy characters should have healthy, manly hobbies like playing baseball, collecting bubble gum cards, and outdoor camping. Girls should like sewing, cooking and talking with other girls about like clothes and boys. Activities that keep boys inside like reading, writing or thinking are not suitable role models for young men. Those are girl activities. On the other hand, too much physical exercise by girl characters would be unrealistic and your reader would lose interest. If your story has a Tomboy, make sure she is not a major character. Make the Tomboy a supporting character who longs to act like a real girl.

“Dress your characters in appropriate clothing. Boys: short sleeve shirts (only puny boys who spend too much time reading in their rooms wear long sleeve shirts), loose, comfortable pants with pockets and Keds sneakers with tied laces.

“Girls: ankle-length skirts (absolute no pants), Mary Jane shoes (only girls with loose morals wear high heels unless attending special occasions like a funeral or a wedding), hair tied in a pony tail or neatly trimmed.

“Language is very important. As boys and girls are often not in control of their feelings, they make many exclamations of surprise.

“Appropriate phrases:
‘Holy Moley!’

“Inappropriate phrases:
‘Crazy man!’
‘What a gasser!’

“Never show a boy and a girl holding hands unless accompanied by an adult or riding in a hay wagon with other boys and girls.

“Never have a girl romanced by a foreigner, especially greasers, scratch-backs, potatoes, pachucos, fruitpickers, or braceros.

“If your story is a crime mystery, make sure your youngsters deal with bunco artists, robbers, or counterfeiters. Never put your youngsters in peril with murderers or social deviants.

“Everybody likes a good ghost story, but stories with supernatural happenings should be confined to misunderstood blithe spirits, college fraternity pranks or escaped convicts in disguise.

“If you follow these tips, your story is sure to be a delight to boys and girls everywhere, and stand the test of time just like the classics you read as a youth.

“End your story with a good, hearty laugh at the dinner table. Perhaps, Skippy the family dog runs through the house chasing Fluffy, the neighbor’s cat.

“These are a few tips for a good writing and wholesome reading.”


FREE FICTION: The carrot or the stick…

A writer I’m connected to on Facebook, Jeremy C. Shipp, asked a question. If you found yourself in FluffyBunny Land and had to become a door-to-door salesman to survive, what would you sell?

Here’s my answer.

FluffTail Bunnymuncher sat easily in his easy chair.
“Damn fine name if you ask me…easy chair. Fuckin’ easy is right. Best damn chair we ever bought, if you ask me.”
FluffTail had a habit of repeating himself, as if one dose of the shit he talked wasn’t enough. His common-law wife, MoistFluffy Crevice, was just about to the point where she’d either kill him or fuck him till he fell asleep. About three and a half seconds after he came, no doubt.
Fucking males!
A soft and discreet knock came from the front door of their burrow in the slums of TailTown, the low-income area of FluffyBunny Land. It sounded almost criminal in its attempt to seem nonchalant.
FluffTail opened the door to see a large guy, bearded and overweight. The human looked left and right before speaking in a low voice and trying to sidle past at the same time, as though hoping one act would distract from the other.
“Gotsumthin’youwannasee, squire…”
Flufftail tried to close the door before the weirdo could get past him, but the guy was faster than he looked. Before he could protest, the human was down the hall and into the lounge, quick as a wink.
By the time Flufftail had closed and triple-bolted the door and ran to the lounge, the freak was sitting in his easy-chair and handing MoistFluffy a carrot.
“This’ll cure what ails ya, see if it don’t.”
FluffTail didn’t like this. He didn’t like it one iota.
“Now see here…”
Before he could even repeat himself one time to make his point, the human cut him off by thrusting a second carrot down FluffTail’s throat.
“Try this for free and see if you don’t like it. If you do don’t like it then you don’t have to have it, but if you don’t don’t like it, then you would have already tried it. See?”
Suddenly the human’s eyes rolled back in his head and he mumbled several incoherent sentences. It seemed to FluffTail, who had chewed and swallowed the rudely-dealt carrot, that he was talking to himself. After another minute of hurried one-sided conversation, the human shook his head and looked at FluffTail once again.
“Dude, the boss said that you’re our lucky one thousandth customer this month. You win six months supply of our best product. Double UoGlobe Carrots Grade One.”
“What sort of name is that for carrots, you moron…what sort of name?”
“Why, it describes our product most efficiently. Grade one carrots, those we sell. Here’s our card, wish you well.”

FluffTail was all of a sudden feeling funny, both nauseous and dizzy. He turned to the non-easy sofa and collapsed there, feeling shittier than the time he’d shafted that crazy fucking March Hare.
Goddamn viagra/coke speedballs.
“Delivery will be about three PM this afternoon, my furry friend.”
With a smile and a wink, Braun left to go recruit his next customer…