Insurrection Snowy Mountain Style
(aka don’t fuck with the fat man)
by
GNBraun

Happy Christmas in July!(Just)

When Santa’s elves revolt, it’s up to one person to stop it – the motherfucking fat man himself! Celebrate Christmas in July in typical LegumeMan fashion – with gratuitous blood!

GNBraun was raised in Melbourne’s gritty Western Suburbs and is a trained nurse currently studying to work in the social services. He writes fiction untied to any genre, and is the author of Boneyard Smack, Bubba wants YOU, Insurrection and Santa Akbar (Tasmaniac Publications Dec. 2010)! Longer works are forthcoming, but he can only write so fast. Visit his blog and homepage at http://gnbraun.blogspot.com/ for free fiction and latest updates

Download Insurrection for FREE here. (or click on the cover above)

All that remained of the entire shemozzle were a few capuchin monkeys staggering around dressed like bell-hops and two sneaky looking chimps huddled together in a corner and feeling decidedly anarchic.
It was never discovered just which bright spark thought of having two warring clans of organ-grinders appear in the same village on the same day, but it wasn’t one of the best ideas of the decade.
It all began quite grandly, as these things often do, but quickly degenerated into a mass of fisticuffs, bleeding men, flying teeth and squealing monkeys/apes. The chimps rushed to gang up on their smaller cousins, and the humans involved fell before the ferocity of their simian counterparts.
In the end, the only winners were the undertakers, who danced all the way to the bank.
GNB
——————————————

George looked carefully through the microscope, studying the mote-sized organisms.
“Scurry around, my pets. The only meaning you have is my intent and desire.”
Flicking the switch, he reconnected the tiny terrarium to the mains power supply.
Lights flared as current thrummed through the system again.
Life went on inside the terrarium; billions of people, going about their daily lives, unknowing of the fact they were, in the end, only a biological power supply.
GNB
——————————————-

Links above for the independent forum.
Search on Facebook for The Art of Words and/or Art to Art.
Great sites, all of them.
Check them out…

Gina Ranalli, author of bizarro classics such as Chemical Gardens, Suicide Girls in the Afterlife, 13 Thorns, Wall of Kiss, Motherpuncher and Sky Tongues, and the horror/bizarro titles House of Fallen Trees and the forthcoming Praise the Dead, has an upcoming live chat at Legumeman Forums (in the chat room), so be sure to join up to join in.

TIME:

EDT (U.S.A. – New York) Saturday, 31 July 2010 at 9:00PM
Central (U.S.A – Louisiana) Saturday, 31 July 2010 at 8:00PM
EST (Australia – Victoria) Sunday, 1 August 2010 at 11:00AM

Turn on, Join up, Log in…

Best Novella/Novelette

• “The Message” by Andrew J McKiernan – originally appeared in Midnight Echo #2 from AHWA. Short listed for both Aurealis and Australian Shadows Awards: “The Message by Andrew J. McKiernan is the absolute standout in this issue. Again, a grounding in real life events gives this story real impact. There’s a real emotional hit to this one that will linger long after you’ve closed the magazine.” OzHorrorScope
• “Daivadana” by Andrew J McKiernan – originally appeared in In Bad Dreams 2: Where Death Stalks from Eneit Press: “‘Daivadana’ by Andrew McKiernan, [is] my favourite kind of story, epic and action packed and filled with ancient and nasty magicks. He writes stories that I wish I’d written. Damn his eyes.” Martin Livings.

Best Short Story

• “The Dumbshow” by Andrew J McKiernan – originally appeared in Masques from CSFG: “The Dumbshow is a noir carnival that shows off Andrew McKiernan’s considerable prowess, effectively conveying the mute character’s emotions and dialogue through the unlikely medium of written mime…his characters are crystal clear and throbbing with life.” Specusphere

Best Artwork

• “Shards: Short, Sharp Tales” by Shane Jiraiya Cummings, illustrated by Andrew J McKiernan from Brimstone Press: “McKiernan shows a brilliant sense of what stands out in the mind of a reader and then brings those images to life with a frightening style and ability beyond most artists working today in the smaller presses.” gnbraun.blogspot.com/2010/07/new-reviews-up-this-weekend.html

Eligible works by Shane Jiraiya Cummings (links now disabled) are:

Collected Work

SHARDS (Brimstone Press)

Almost forty short, sharp tales – all illustrated by Andrew J. McKiernan

Described by bestselling author Jonathan Maberry as “a guided tour of the darkest backroads of the imagination … wonderfully moody and creepy” and ScaryMinds’ Jeff Ritchie thusly: “Shane Jiraiya Cummings with Shards shows he is not only a master of the flash fiction style of writing but has pretty much written the definitive statement on how it should work.”

Shards is Shane’s debut collection and represents the best of his flash fiction drawn from pro and semi-pro markets such as Shadowed Realms, Dark Wisdom, Horror Literature Quarterly, ASIM, Borderlands, and Shadow Box. Several of the stories therein are award nominees or honourable mentions in Year’s Best anthologies. This collection is the real deal and well worth your attention!

Best Novella

Phoenix and the Darkness of Wolves (Damnation Books)

Shane’s best work of fiction published to date, Phoenix is the quintessential Australian post-apocalyptic dark fantasy story.

Stephen M. Irwin said of Phoenix: “Robert E. Howard meets Cormac McCarthy? Lovecraft meets London? Imagine no longer; Phoenix and the Darkness of Wolves weaves its own unique magic, binding ancient sorcery and modern apocalypse together on the plains of Western Australia.”

Want to read a story that’s crosses the mythology around bushfires with Stephen King’s The Gunslinger. This is it. Enjoy!

Best Short Story

Chasing Jormungand (Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #38)

What can I say about this story? It’s Shane’s first published humorous SF story. It was written at Clarion South. It’s written in second person perspective. Best of all, it’s about rival groups of scientist chasing yawns through Sydney’s subways. Yes, scientists chasing yawns.

You’ll never guess how the protagonist defuses the situation when it turns life threatening. For all its perceived silliness, this is, in fact, a finely crafted story.

Read it and I bet you won’t be able to resist yawning!

At the very least, check out Shards…it’s brilliant and you can purchase the book from Brimstone Press (See my full review HERE).

Also, if you are interested in reading my own Boneyard Smack, it’s available for free download from Legumeman Books HERE –> (pdf file)

‘A great start from this promising author. A gritty tale that will give readers a sample of what Braun is capable of. Keep your eyes peeled, it’s only going to get better.’
Scott Tyson
~ Author of Dear Santa (Festive Fear 2)

‘Short, nasty and scarily realistic!’
Trost

~ Author of Hoffman’s Creeper and The Legend of Redback Jack

‘Braun gives us 2 minutes trapped in the mind of a junkie trying to get a fix…a short, sharp shock. Nothing scarier than real life.’
Daniel I. Russell
~ Author of Samhane, Fluffs and Shutterbug

‘Who is this fuckhead, and what’s this shit he calls writing?’
Colonel Glipshit
~ Author of We, the Moral Minority and Beatnix Under the Bed

Read, enjoy, nominate if you feel they are worthy.

Make your vote count, it comes but once a year!

A link on Facebook took me to a blog where this was featured for a laugh…

I liked it so much I stole it for my own nefarious purposes…

How To Write Books for Boys and Girls

I found this 1954 article about Children’s Literature on a defunct website. Submitted for your edification and amusement.

“How To Write Books for Boys and Girls”
“Always portray the military, politicians and religious figures in a positive way. Remember, these responsible authority figures keep Americans safe against atheists, beatniks and Communists.

“The family in your story should consist of married parents. Divorce has no place in reading material of teens. Broken homes make them nervous and might put unnecessary worries in their heads about whether Mom and Dad are getting along. While many classic stories feature orphans, today’s modern family is more educated and healthy, and orphans are old fashioned characters.

“Dad should always work in an office or to a responsible job like a fireman or a policeman. Fathers should never be an unemployed loafer or a union organizer. Mothers should always be homemakers. Mother’s who work in offices set a bad example for impressionable girls.

“Boy characters should have healthy, manly hobbies like playing baseball, collecting bubble gum cards, and outdoor camping. Girls should like sewing, cooking and talking with other girls about like clothes and boys. Activities that keep boys inside like reading, writing or thinking are not suitable role models for young men. Those are girl activities. On the other hand, too much physical exercise by girl characters would be unrealistic and your reader would lose interest. If your story has a Tomboy, make sure she is not a major character. Make the Tomboy a supporting character who longs to act like a real girl.

“Dress your characters in appropriate clothing. Boys: short sleeve shirts (only puny boys who spend too much time reading in their rooms wear long sleeve shirts), loose, comfortable pants with pockets and Keds sneakers with tied laces.

“Girls: ankle-length skirts (absolute no pants), Mary Jane shoes (only girls with loose morals wear high heels unless attending special occasions like a funeral or a wedding), hair tied in a pony tail or neatly trimmed.

“Language is very important. As boys and girls are often not in control of their feelings, they make many exclamations of surprise.

“Appropriate phrases:
‘Jeepers!’
‘Golly!’
‘Holy Moley!’

“Inappropriate phrases:
‘Crazy man!’
‘What a gasser!’
‘Kookie!’

“Never show a boy and a girl holding hands unless accompanied by an adult or riding in a hay wagon with other boys and girls.

“Never have a girl romanced by a foreigner, especially greasers, scratch-backs, potatoes, pachucos, fruitpickers, or braceros.

“If your story is a crime mystery, make sure your youngsters deal with bunco artists, robbers, or counterfeiters. Never put your youngsters in peril with murderers or social deviants.

“Everybody likes a good ghost story, but stories with supernatural happenings should be confined to misunderstood blithe spirits, college fraternity pranks or escaped convicts in disguise.

“If you follow these tips, your story is sure to be a delight to boys and girls everywhere, and stand the test of time just like the classics you read as a youth.

“End your story with a good, hearty laugh at the dinner table. Perhaps, Skippy the family dog runs through the house chasing Fluffy, the neighbor’s cat.

“These are a few tips for a good writing and wholesome reading.”

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION, MARIO CARDARELLI?